funny stuff HOBBITS

LIZARD BIRTHING
>
> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
> below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
> room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
dad,
> can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
> followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed
> lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> I
was
> equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
> want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want
> me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think
> she said this
> sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
> most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you! think?)
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
> I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
> of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
> think
she
> was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient.
>
> After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear
> briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next
> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
> more times with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
> could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
> females in my house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
> can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
> thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
> little animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "! What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
> speak
to
> you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
> Ernie
is
> a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male
> species,
> they um....um....masturbate.
> Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
> "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited,"
> my wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
> And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
> woman
I
> married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
> Tears were now running down her face.
>
> Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...
> its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
> once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
> the lizards and our son back into the car.
>
> He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
> laughter.
>
> 2 - Lizards - $140...
> 1 - Cage - $50...
> Trip to the Vet - $30...NO2
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless!Best Scottish Joke


A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!" Wise Old Indian . . . . . .

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US Government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion where did the white man go wrong?"


The chief stared at the government officials and replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. There were:
No taxes
No debt
Plenty buffalo
Plenty beaver
Women did all the work
Medicine man free
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.
Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
This is quite funny, I would have loved to have been on this flight...



You've Never Heard a Flight Announcement Like This - Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired WestJet Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In his own words....



"I was flying to Vancouver from Toronto this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Toronto people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

(BEFORE TAKEOFF) Hello and welcome to WestJet Flight 438 to Vancouver. If you're going to Vancouver, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Vancouver, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.



There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.



In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then work your way down.



In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO.



There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind."



In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.



We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing WestJet, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

(AFTER LANDING) Welcome to the Vancouver International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."


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